There Is No "Right" Way to Grieve

Grief is the natural response to loss, and it is as unique as the person experiencing it. Some people cry constantly in the early days; others feel numb. Some return to routine quickly; others find it impossible to function for weeks. All of these responses are normal. Understanding a little about how grief works — and what might help — can make the journey slightly less disorienting.

The Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. These stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — were originally observed in people facing terminal illness, but they've since been widely applied to bereavement.

It's important to understand what these stages are not:

  • They are not a checklist to complete in order
  • They are not universal — not everyone experiences all five
  • They are not a measure of how deeply or appropriately you are grieving

Many grief counselors today prefer to think of grief as waves — periods of intense pain followed by relative calm — rather than discrete stages.

Common Grief Experiences

While every person's grief is different, many bereaved individuals share these experiences:

  • Physical symptoms: Fatigue, changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping, a hollow or heavy feeling in the chest
  • Emotional swings: Sadness, anger, guilt, relief (especially after a prolonged illness), and even moments of joy when remembering happy times
  • Cognitive effects: Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, or a sense of unreality ("this can't be happening")
  • Social withdrawal: Pulling away from friends and activities that once brought pleasure

Healthy Coping Strategies

Allow Yourself to Feel

Suppressing grief tends to prolong it. Give yourself permission to cry, to be angry, or to feel whatever arises — without judging it.

Maintain Basic Self-Care

Grief is physically exhausting. Prioritize sleep, eat regularly even when you have little appetite, and try to get outside for a short walk each day.

Lean on Your Support Network

Accept help when it's offered. Let trusted friends and family members sit with you, bring meals, or simply be present. You don't need to talk about the loss if you're not ready.

Create Rituals of Remembrance

Lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or looking through photographs can be a healthy way to maintain connection with the person who died.

Consider a Grief Support Group

Sharing your experience with others who understand can be deeply validating. Many hospices, hospitals, religious organizations, and community centers offer free bereavement groups.

When Grief Becomes Complicated

For most people, the acute intensity of grief gradually softens over months. However, some individuals experience what mental health professionals call complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder — where debilitating sadness persists for a year or more and significantly impairs daily life.

Signs that professional support may be needed include:

  • Inability to accept the reality of the death after many months
  • Persistent feelings of guilt, bitterness, or worthlessness
  • Withdrawal from all social relationships
  • Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
  • Inability to function at work, school, or in daily tasks

If you recognize these signs in yourself or a loved one, please reach out to a grief counselor, therapist, or your primary care physician. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Supporting a Grieving Person

If someone you care about is grieving, the most important thing you can do is simply show up and stay present. Avoid phrases like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place" — even well-intentioned, these can feel dismissive. Instead, say: "I'm so sorry. I'm here for you." Then listen.